Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
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[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”