Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
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My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
If you know, you know
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands