[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
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*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012