I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
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Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.