A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
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When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
#SuperBowl
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.