i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
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ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
fair
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..