*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
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If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!