me the second it drops below 70 degrees
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writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.