Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.