My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
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I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.