ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
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Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
This is always good for a laugh.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!