Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
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I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me