Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
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My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
#Caturday
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.