My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
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I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Can’t, holding a grudge
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
How did we not see this back then?
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
School be like
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.