i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
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My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.