My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
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*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Going into Monday like
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….