Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
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Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”