When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
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I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
can you read it!!??
maan!
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…