waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
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When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly