Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
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it be like that
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.