Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
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Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems