Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
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Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
accurate
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat