i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
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my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
When your parents check you’re ok.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks