How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
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pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner