date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
You Might Also Like
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I’m giving up for Lent.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?