[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
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I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
How to draw a duck
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
#Caturday
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space