You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
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Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
*Inspirational Tweets*
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon