Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
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me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose