nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
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If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store