They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
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Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
President The Rock Obama
her: we鈥檙e engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn鈥檛 ask me first
me: you鈥檙e not really my type
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it鈥檚 just a spray they use.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife鈥檚 sister without it being a big thing
– I鈥檝e never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 馃檪
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
People I hate when I鈥檓 driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I鈥檓 driving.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*