God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
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INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!