Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
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“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
How wrong was this guy?
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?