I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
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Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what