20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
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Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?