[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
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To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Yeah. This was me today.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.