How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
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Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..