DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
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Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”