Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
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Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”