Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
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Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color