British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
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Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”