[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
You Might Also Like
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*
Being an adult is stupid.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
The projected sales figur-
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷