Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
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bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
you gotta be faster
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
If only.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside