when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
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I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.