Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
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Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Autocorrect is my menesis
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!