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Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.