No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
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ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.