People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
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I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
*aggressively waits in line*
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.