My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
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My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
my dog when i have a friend over
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Me redecorating every room in my mind
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
#parenting
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.