I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
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Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Is your wife single?
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Challenge accepted.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
A woman drives into a bar.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..