I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
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My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):