One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
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[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
There is no try. There is only give up.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
They got a point!
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
I’m not proud
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
It do be feeling this way.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.