Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
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Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁