Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

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I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.


Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.

How the tables have turned Kate.


911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.

911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.

911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.


My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.


Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.

Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.



Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.


I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.


Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?

“What? Why?”

It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..

“It’s OUR wedding!”


Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in