@iAmJuddy
@thisislizz Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
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@thisislizz 
@ThisLocalHater I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
@jannable9 Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
@TheRolo 911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
@HatfieldAnne My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
@aka_fatman Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
@JennyJohnsonHi5 Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
@XplodingUnicorn I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
@DirtMcTurd Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
@evidentlyblonde Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in