Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
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[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
79.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]